Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
