They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
my liver is dry heaving
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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