I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
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