I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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