I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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