Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
