First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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