i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
