You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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