Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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