i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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