I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
