Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
