Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
