My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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