I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
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