I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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