Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
