I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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