Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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