I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
