new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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