two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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