$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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