Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Randomize
