I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
