He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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