Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
