Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
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