I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Randomize
