i may or may not be watching the land before time
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
