I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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