i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
