Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
