I need to stop coming to work sober
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
