He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Randomize
