theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
