I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
