I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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