is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
