a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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