Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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