My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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