Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Randomize
