I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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