I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
