My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
