Me. At least after what I've been through.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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