I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
