I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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